Moving Along....Again

I think I was born with a need for horses in my life.  Their magic, their regal power and loyalty, the sheer wonder of how beautifully they are put together, all of this has truly captivated me ever since I can remember. I remember the time they were going to give a pony to the kid who came up with the perfect name for the new bowling alley.  I didn't enter, but I would have committed heinous crimes to get that pony.  My dreams had horses galloping through them, and, though I could feel the silky coat and the warm breath of them, somehow, before I could get on a horse's back to ride it, I would wake up. I remember feeling somehow cheated when that happened.  All I ever wanted was a horse.
Then my dad surprised me with a horse...I saw it, just like in one of my dreams, standing tied to the fence in the pen by the barn, the first thing I saw when I turned up the driveway on my walk home from school.  I was seven that year, the horse was black, she was beautiful, she was real...and she was very, very young.  Way too much horse for a little girl, but she was indeed a dream come true.  I was never really able to ride her because we just weren't ready for each other.
Then there was a pony; he wasn't new, and I wasn't as young then, but he could certainly be a heathen curse from hell if he chose to be.  He was cute with his arched neck and his shiny coat and his four white socks that neatly came to his knees.  He was also able to evade almost any kind of ploy to catch him, though he would allow himself to be caught by a hind leg. It was as if that approach didn't cause him to lose face.  We respected each other and spent many hours walking, playing, exploring and sharing our deepest thoughts. That pony taught me more than words can say.
Time passed and life got serious.  People, little people, counted on me.  There was little time for those friends who had given me so much joy when I had been only a few years younger.  I had to move along and give my thoughts and time to my family.
More time passed.  Children moved along into their own lives.  Suddenly, it seemed like it was 'my time' for the first time in my life, and miraculously, there was again a horse! She was tall, she was black, she had a devious sense of humor, and we were told that she had what they called a 'cold back'.  This seemed to mean that she would have a tendency to explode into twisting bucks that were designed to launch a rider into another galaxy if she was asked to perform any duties before she had gotten her mind right for it.  This usually meant that I was first in line to ride her before anyone else...just to get the kinks out.  She never did buck with me.
Then, there came Phylleigh.  She was indeed the horse that had appeared in all my dreams.  She was, and still is, the classiest ride in all my experience.  She has grace and power and a way of knowing my mind almost before I do myself. Every moment on her back has always been filled with joy and challenge. She was the ultimate gift of a lifetime.
Phylleigh gave us a handsome horse colt who was a beginning in himself.  I remember waiting so impatiently for Jack to be born, wondering if he would be red like his mama or pitch black like his pa.   We drove into the yard that afternoon, looking, as always, toward the little pasture where Phylleigh was serving out her maternity leave and seeing what seemed to be a heap of laundry laying in front of the grain bin.  Then, suddenly, that heap of rags had a head...and ears!  Through Jack, I discovered that horses have rubbery toothless gums when they are born.  I also discovered that horses with a strong thoroughbred background have very weak-looking saggy ankles when they are newborns. Jack brought out a maternal side of Phylleigh that meant that she would ever after have a special warm spot in her heart for all young things, even young humans.
Jack sired several colts for us and for others.  Each of them seemed to enjoy the company of human beings.  They didn't always agree with what the humans expected of them, but they each learned to respond to the reward of low-voiced "Good boy" or "Good girl" in a way that lasted throughout their lives. Some of his sons and daughters found lives away from us immediately, others stayed with us for several years.  I have had the joy of riding some of those colts and the pride of knowing that I had been a part of almost every moment of their lives.
I have had the joy of watching them all come to water and jostle for place in the pecking order. I instinctively look to the pasture searching and counting noses. I have been blessed to realize that a mare was actually helping her son or daughter to understand was I wanted from it.  I have rejoiced to hear one or another of them greet me with a nicker and perked ears.  I have been humbled to realize that, to them,  my voice has always held reassurance and a sense of safety. These glorious creatures have given me so many gifts that no amount of money could ever buy.
I can't afford to do it anymore.  Reality has again become stronger than the dream.  It is time to move along again. I know it and have known it for some time.  I have been a coward and have not wanted to look directly into those eyes and say 'goodbye'.
But I have done just that.
Gone?  Well, yes.  But those gifts and those joys will live with me for the rest of my life.
And I am grateful, humbly grateful.